Jim Kelley, Creator & Founder ChangeWorks Institute

Teaching and Innovating Self-Directed Change®

In 2011 I was already pretty good at coaching people using hypnosis and NLP so I thought it was time to make a video to put on my coaching website.  All ready to say something I had scripted, I turned on the camera and out-of-the-blue what I said instead was: 

“Have you ever been lost and confused and you didn’t know what to do - - well I have”.  

I had to stop recording. 

The preceding 20 years had been disastrous. What a list: lost my mother to cancer, a still born child to illness, my marriage to broken hopes and dreams; I felt like my father, brother, and sister had all lost faith and abandoned me, I lost my business to a nationwide downturn in the building market, and more.  

What washed over me in that moment was … it’s over.  I’ve already lost everything – there is nothing left to lose.  

The strange thing was that even though I lost everything, I realized I’d done the right thing - that I was rebuilding a life that was authentic, satisfying. I also realized that hypotheses and NLP were "thinking tools", but don't cover the whole picture.  What I really had to offer people was how to survive life transitions, and when necessary, how to redefine oneself.

In the beginning, I thought it would be over soon, that I would walk a straight line to my new life.  But that is not what happened, and when that didn’t I was angry and sad, and my disappointment intensified. What I learned is that it takes time to find your way back to safety, comfort and belonging.  

The path is probably going to have twists and turns and will require flexibility, and creativity.  I was flat-heading across open country and there was no trail nor a very good map.  Fortunately, I was able to see the light in the distance – so I just kept going.  

Perhaps surprisingly, my light was a question:  How does a person survive and thrive, find joy again after experiencing disaster, after disaster, after disaster?

The question I had gave me an intention, the intention to thrive and find joy.  

I knew a lot about what didn’t work or I couldn’t do, and now I was searching for the things would work and I could do. I soon found my way to a career coach.  He told me that I had so many interests and abilities, that I was going to have to experiment to find something that would work for me.  He also said that taking an entrepreneurial, project-driven approach to my life would be gratifying.

I started educating myself and started trying out different career ideas, and I went to coaching and counseling every week for a few years.  My sister who was a licensed family therapist mentored me so I could be a more confident knowledgeable coach.  I took a drastic turn away from the lifestyle I was living and started living on a farm and working in a restaurant.  This gave me time to spend on coaching, education, experimenting and being mentored, and gave me the cash I needed to meet my responsibilities. 

Before the disasters hit, I thought that being Jim Kelley meant something.  When that idea was gone, I learned that I was what ever I could make of myself.  I also learned that I was proud of myself for not giving up, and for being a more empowered and authentic version of myself.

What I really want people to know is that when transitions strike or you’re surprised that a transition is harder than you thought it would be, the first step is to find some safety and comfort. If you can, it’s time for reaching out to family and friends for some care and support.  

When you can’t sleep and have circular thoughts, when you cry or snap at people at unexpected times, when you don’t feel like getting out of bed, and are ashamed for having these feelings – its time for self-compassion.  

A lot of self-compassion. If you don’t know how to show yourself compassion – get help.

When the waves of shock, pain, and grief have passed, its time to think about whether you’ve had enough time to grieve and you’re truly ready to move on.  If you are ready, determination can make it possible to overcome the obstacles you’ll likely face. 

It’s also time to get ready to learn, because your old ways are probably not going to get you where you need to be. Patience is like gold, and you’re about to rebuild Rome – it'll take more than a day. Be prepared for it to take longer than you thought, and be prepared for blind alleys, mishaps, and feeling lost.  

And learn some funny axioms to keep your humor up, like: 

When you’re going through hell - - keep going! 

When you’re going the wrong way - - turn around!

When you don’t know what to do - - experiment, try things, be creative. 

The bottom line for me is that I want to help people through transitions because I can.  

I have a deep and abiding interest and concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.  When I was at St. John’s College in Santa Fe my teachers questioned what they called my tendency to take a "humanist" perspective.  

Well, I’m even more convinced that every human being is intrinsically valuable, and I want everyone to see that it is possible to experience well-being - even if they have to give up their early dreams and expectations to find a new sense of joy and fulfillment.